Friday, October 28, 2011

Edward Cullen Loses His Virginity (After Almost a Century of Trying to Find the Right Underaged Girl)

It never gets old, does it? I thought I have made enough fun of the Twilight movies, but every time I decided that enough is enough and turn my back on it, it keeps on making a lot of noise in the form of brainless fangirl screams. It's pretty hard not to at least glance over my shoulder to see what the commotion is all about.

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So as I was in the cinema yesterday waiting for In Time to start, the trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I came along, and I had such a hard time holding back tears of laughter. For starters I would have thought that the novelty for Twilight would have run out by now. But noooo~ Edward and Bella have yet to consummate their love, their relationship thus far had always been that of a captor-hostage in nature. And apparently this is the movie when they'll finally do it.

For the trailer, they used the same trick that Neo from The Matrix [1999] fell for; they had an attractive lady in a provocative red dress walking in a medieval looking hallway. It certainly worked in terms of capturing our attention. But then they showed Michael Sheen in a familiar-looking getup, and then everything started to look familiar.

"Waaaaiiitt a minute... This isn't-"
"Ahh... So it is. Fuckin' Twilight. Wow, he sure seems angry"
"Must be because of what's written on tha-... What is that? Looks an invitation to something"
Whoaa!! It was only then I realised what it must be. Judging from the previous characters' reactions to the similar-looking cards, it must be a wedding invitation. Damn, Bella... Jacob is crazy about you and he can't stand the guy you're so in love with. But then you dumped him and invite him to your wedding? Are you clumsy, stupid and insensitive? Holy cow, even for a sweet-talking son of a bitch like me, that's cold.

That must have made you really mad, huh Jacob? I bet you're so pissed off you just have to cool off. Go ahead and run around in the rain with your shirt-

"-There you go..."
By this point my train of thoughts went to a screeching halt as I can't contain myself from laughing out loud right there in the cinema. If my hair is any less poofy I might have felt the popcorn somebody threw at me. I really can't help it, people! Whenever I can't think of anything more about Twilight to poke fun at, things like this come along. Then I remembered that this was supposed to be the movie where Edward and Bella finally have sex. I wonder if they'll actually show-

"Well I'll be... They're finally doing it"
"Damn! He fuckin' crushed it. Dude, I know you can't get it up, no need to overcompensate"
Then I felt slightly sick to the stomach because I'm watching Stephenie Meyer's sex fantasy. But wait, no, it can't be. She's a writer, maybe she was just telling a story. Writers don't always project their desires onto paper. Heck, if I want to be a writer myself, I should learn to understand that. I mean, c'mon Mamü, what makes you so high and-

"Oh, no wait. Who am I kidding? After all, Twilight was based on a wet dream Stephenie Meyer had"
"Aww... She's pregnant. I bet she didn't think Edward's 100-year-old balls could still produce-"
"Holy shit. What's happening? She's about to give birth, isn't she?"
This must be when she's about to give birth and Edward delivers it by ripping her tummy inside out with his vampire fangs in what I can only describe as the Vampire Cesarean (Dibs! I'm using the term as the name for my rock band). Even though there's no way I'm gonna see it at the cinema, I can't help but feel curious about how it's all gonna go down.

Whatever that look means, I hope it's not arousal...

Dear Stephenie Meyer, might I suggest counselling? Or maybe you'd like to join the ranks of the Obedient Wives Club?

2 comments:

Shuwen said...

HAHA After reading your post, Twilight just got 100 times dumber to me :P

Mamü Miguel Ellezda Vies said...

Hahaha~ You should join the fun! Let's pick on Twilight some more :D

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