Monday, November 28, 2011

5 Reasons Why Hogwarts is The Worst Place To Be

I can't recall exactly how many times, but I must have rambled on endlessly about how big a fan of Harry Potter I am. It's not just about the story, I get all sentimental when I remember those times when I would hide in one corner of my house and just immerse myself in the pages, not having to worry about people calling me via cellphones, poking me on Facebook or mentioning me on Twitter.

So yeah, Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood and I have nothing but praises for it despite all its flaws. What are these flaws? Well, it just so happens that's exactly what I'm going to talk about today. You see, just like those of you who grew up with Harry, Ron and Hermione, I too fantasised about taking that train to Hogwarts and scream "To hell with Pythagoras, I'm learnin' magic!" all the way.

But that was me at fourteen. About a decade later I'm still the world's oldest fourteen-year-old, but only at heart. In my mind I can't help but be horrified when I look back on it, suddenly that trivial pursuit for straight A's didn't look too bad, because these are the things students at Hogwarts have to worry about every damn day.

So after you read this, I hope you will learn that even if you think that your school sucks because the food is bad, or the teachers are mean or whatever, bear in mind that there are those who are much, much worse off than you are.

#5 Talking paintings and restless spirits

It really defeats the purpose of having a painting made if they're just going to end up talking because paintings are meant to be seen, not heard. And if you think that's not a big deal, think again. Paintings of the visage of dead people were strewn all over the place in Hogwarts; In the corridor, the stairway, the dormitories... *gasp* The dormitories! It was no better than having a security camera in places where they don't belong, places where you'd just want to stretch out, scratch your backside, or you know, change your clothes?

I love my privacy very much, thank you. And I would very much like to do the things I mentioned above without hearing a painting of some dead guy make jokes or commentaries, or if he thinks I should get that rash on my left buttcheek checked by Madam Pomfrey (The school nurse, for you non-Harry Potter fans).

#4 The 101 gruesome ways you can die

Now this one is pretty obvious, but I still couldn't go on without mentioning this. In fact, I think I've already mentioned this in passing some time ago, but I couldn't remember where or when. So here goes.

I swear that I'm speaking from my experience as a school teacher, that there was this one time when a student was playing football barefooted, and one of his foot was cut by a thorn, I think it was. That very same evening his disgruntled father came to the school office berating the afternoon supervisor for it, which I think was one of the most laughable displays of lameass parenting that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. But that got me thinking about all the heart attacks that same dad would get had his son attended Hogwarts.

Even if you count in the threat of that magic racist Voldemort, there are still 101 ways you could die in Hogwarts at any given moment. Every student carried a weapon in the form of a wand, you can't always be sure of who your friends and enemies are thanks to the Polyjuice potion, there are deadly creatures just outside the school compound, the only available sport is Quidditch and we all know how easily your spine can snap in two playing it. And the list goes on.

Compared to all that, I'd take food poisoning from the school canteen any day. At least I'd get to stay at home.

#3 Extremely negligent in its selection of educators

Quick, count how many of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers who actually did keep the students safe? I count only one, Dolores Umbridge. But even she was physically abusive when she made Harry write about his delinquencies many times over in his own blood. As for the rest of them, they did pretty much the opposite of what they were supposed to do.

Professor Quirrel? Possessed by Voldemort. Gilderoy Lockhart? A fraud and utterly useless. Remus Lupin? Werewolf. Alastor Moody? A spy and an impostor, real identity was Barty Crouch Jr., a Death Eater who was as balls-out insane as any other one. Severus Snape? Yeah, he's one of the good guys, but still he did end up assisting a student in the murder of Dumbledore. It doesn't matter that it was all for the better in the end, but more on that in a minute.

So to all students out there, don't you dare think that you've been mistreated just because your teacher gave you an extra page of homework.

#2 Dumbledore was a compulsive gambler who bet with everybody's lives

Dumbledore Dumbledore Dumbledore. I can't help but massage my forehead every time I think about you. For someone who was named as one of the greatest wizards in history, you sure are full of shit. It would appear to me that you always claimed that you knew what was going on, and gave us the impression that you were always doing something to make sure that everything's under control.

But every single time when something actually needed to be done, you relied on a minor named Harry Potter. Harry Potter was just some guy thrown into the deep end, and he knew very little about magic aside from what he learned in classrooms earlier in the books/movies. And if I might add, Harry really only had more fame than talent. "But that's fine", you say? Why? Because he had Hermione and Ron with him? Oh, sure. You've already endangered the life of one minor, why not add two more?

But that's not all, believe it or not. Even in the grand scheme of things, Dumbledore's plans really hinged on every single thing to go as planned. If one of them went wrong, then Voldemort would have been back into power and there was no Plan B. The list could go on and on, but I'll just leave you with this one; Harry could have easily died from book one, when Quirrel/Voldemort's disembodied head confronted him about the Philosopher's Stone.

In the end, he even betted with his own life by having Snape killl him. But come to think of it, I think he only did so because things got so out of hand, he decided to have himself killed while he was still considered as one of the good guys. This way, even if his gambles didn't pay off, he would still have the benefit of not having to see it all go devastatingly wrong. But anyway, good riddance.

#1 One of its founders was a notorious racist

This was something I took a particular offense to because I hate racists and racialists with a passion, and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them. Hence why I won't vote until racial interests become a thing of the past. So yeah, if I'm a character from the book, I would plain refuse to attend Hogwarts for this reason alone; They have been empowering generations of Nazi-wizards and witches whose mission in life is to annihilate Mudbloods. Severus Snape was an exception, but even that dude was a complete wacko.

Now, you could argue that maybe Salazar Slytherin was just misunderstood, like how Hitler completely took the writings of Friedrich Nietzsche completely out of context. Maybe he meant well, maybe he thinks that Mudbloods should be kept away from magic as a measure of control lest the power of magic falls into the wrong hands.

But then you'd have to think again about how he parted ways with his three other Hogwarts co-founders when he couldn't have his way, and left behind the Chamber of Secrets with a giant serpent in it. The serpent, might I remind you its only purpose is for the heir of Slytherin to unleash and be used as a weapon to annihilate those deemed unworthy to learn magic. That doesn't sound like something a Pacifist would do.

So if Voldemort is like Adolf Hitler, then Salazar Slytherin would be Georg von Schoenerer. Plus, "I went to the same school as Voldemort" will not look good on a resume.


Zulfahmi said...

Basilisk, Giant Spiders, Vicious Trees, Ghosts... Wow... Not to mention the dangerous games they play...

If I were a student, I would wanna learn self defense magic first...

missyblurkit said...

kinda scary...but isn't that all about magic and spells?

albarn said...

"To hell with Pythagoras, I'm learnin' magic!"

hahaha you wish

Mamü Vies said...

Ain't that the truth... *sob sob*

Halle Calypso said...

I'm a tree-hugger! *go hug the nearest tree*
Oops! it is Whomping Willow! *run*

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