I'm writing this entry at the risk of being jeered at by my friends from you-know-where, because I vowed that not in a million years would I go see this movie, and I really haven't. And wouldn't! But if I'm completely honest, I am tempted to go see it just so I could piss all over it. And that's exactly what I intend to do with this entry.
|For my non-Malaysian readers; It's kind of like Twilight... With rape|
So thankfully Ombak Rindu got me covered, because there are at least five brilliant lessons to be learned from it.
#5 Moving to KL makes a slut out of a woman
Okay, to be fair, our protagonist was hesitant to move to Kuala Lumpur, and it was all her uncle's doing. But still the message is clear that no self-respecting lady from a rural area would willingly move to Kuala Lumpur unless she had set her sights on losing her innocence (a religious teacher notwithstanding). But it's not so baseless once you think about it, because we are all aware of the fact that unlawful sex could only take place in our capital city.
No wonder all these ladies from urban areas are such whores. But that's okay, because inside every whore is a wayward soul of a formerly-kampung girl in need of rescue. More on that in a minute.
#4 The words 'women' and 'bitches' are interchangeable
By the time you reach Kuala Lumpur, you might be surprised by the influx of shallow and whiny female characters you have to deal with, the kind represented by characters like Mila and Dato' Sufiah. But don't be so quick to give up or even judge, because every woman is a bitch if you know her well enough. It's not their fault, really. It's in their blood, and it doesn't help that they live in KL, where maturity is hard to come by.
Now, you could argue that not every woman in the city are total bitches, which is true because the movie also had this character called Mak Jah (surprise, surprise), but kindly refer to #3 on why it hardly matters even if she's the fairy godmother herself.
#3 Self-improvement is overrated
Just like Cryptozoology, Feminism is largely a myth because in order to take on a wife, it's best to go for the kind who would never speak for herself as she would rather take it all in, wail dramatically with the back of her hand to her forehead and go to bed crying on her pillow. I mean, that's genius because that is what being a real woman is all about! So if you just stay silent and abused long enough, a knight in shining armour will eventually come along to save you.
So thanks to Ombak Rindu, the very moment I spot a woman who would dare claim what's rightfully hers - I don't care if it's her fiancee or whatever - it's a dead giveaway of how shallow and how much of a bitch she is. What do you want to have women's rights for? Aren't we clear on the fact that the only right you need is to have a cock inside you every now and then? Which brings us to #2.
#2 Love enters through the vagina
There's a popular saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But even that is a myth, otherwise I would have married that guy from this mamak restaurant who makes really good Tandoori chicken. Ah, but herein lies another brilliant implication in Ombak Rindu. They didn't explicitly show the way to either a man or a woman's heart, but it's really you who need to take a closer look.
Ladies, if you can't find love, that's only because you don't spread your legs often enough. You're making things complicated for us men too, because clearly Hariz was a lost soul himself, and he too had no idea what love is until he forced his love muscle into Izzah's hoo-hah. And in return, the meaning of love is now revealed to them. So here's what the movie's been trying to tell us; Love won't come to us men, instead we have to probe for it in a vagina, and by doing that, ladies too will find out that love has been inside them all along.
#1 Rape is okay, as long as the man is a stud muffin
Not only rape is okay, but apparently women secretly love it (again, religious teacher notwithstanding). You can also thank Ombak Rindu for being thoughtful enough in showing us the "right" way to commit rape. All that makes the difference is the setting, it doesn't matter if she cry herself to sleep after each session, as long as you rape her romantically enough, eventually she will love you.
That's good news, really. The next time a girl confesses to me that she finds me attractive, even if it's just a passing thought, I'm going to slip something into her drink and pound away in a room lit by candles, and silk curtains blowing in the wind while the sun sets in the horizon. Anyone knows where I can get me some chloroform?